Self Help

Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. Grief itself is a normal and natural response to loss. It is important to realize that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process.

Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn the loss.

Stages of grief:

It is important to note that stages of grief exist; however, they do not depict a specific way to respond to loss. Rather, stages of grief reflect a variety of reactions that may surface as an individual makes sense of how this loss affects them.

Denial, numbness and shock

This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss. Numbness is a normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with lack of caring.

Denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying feelings.

Bargaining

At times, individuals may ruminate about what could have been done to prevent the loss. Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better, imagining all the things that will never be.

This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss; however, if not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.

Depression

Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms. Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self pity can also surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression. For many, this must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing their life.

Anger

This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless. Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring in cases of loss and death. Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in general for the injustice of the loss.

After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these negative feelings. These feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.

Acceptance

Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface. The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.

There is no time limit to grieving. Each individual should define their own healing process.

Factors that may hinder the healing process:

• Avoiding or minimizing one’s emotions.
• Use of alcohol or drugs to self- medicate.
• Use of work to avoid feelings.

Guidelines that may help resolve grief:

• Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.
• Confide in a trusted individual; tell the story of the loss.
• Express feelings openly; crying offers a release.
• Bereavement groups provide an opportunity to share grief with others who have experienced similar loss.
• If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek professional help.

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No one knew what to do with me. The chaplain gave me hand-outs. The church people force-fed me Bible verses. My friends tried to understand (some of them), but simply could not. My husband’s patience had run low. I was grieving. Mourning, and doubled over in pain. I felt dead from the all the death and uncertain about whether or not I even wanted to live. Sadly, I’m afraid that distraught people have a way of attracting empathy for only a short time.

As I travel and speak on radio and TV about my experience of grief, losing and regaining my faith, and finding my way out of suicidal depression, one question is posed over and over again: What do I do with my pain? It’s a strange question in a way. We know that we could never simply get rid of our heartbreak. You don’t “get over” great hardship or loss. But we can all relearn how to live in light of our new reality. Although grief is not a problem to be solved, I do offer 3 suggestions for regaining optimism, hope, and strength after a traumatic event.

1) Tell the story of difficulty to as many caring, non-judgmental, and trustworthy people as possible. Telling your story–what happened, how it all went down, how you felt about it then, how you feel about it now, will truly help heal you. Even if the listener doesn’t respond with the competency of a trained professional, you will gain understanding about what happened and understand yourself better every time you open up. If you are part of a local and healthy church, there should be someone there who can help you–a pastor, counselor, or grief group. It’s a great idea to hire a professional counselor. Be sure that the one you choose holds beliefs you agree with. For example, you might not want to see a counselor that recommends you contact and commune with the dead if you hold to religious beliefs that forbid such actions. Let me be clear: Counselors are not for the weak! They are for the strong who want to get stronger. Although you might not recognize your own abilities right now, you are strong. You would have never survived all you’ve endured if you were truly incompetent.

2) Stop playing The Blame Game. Blaming God, self, and others holds us hostage and keeps us from healing our wounds. The important task of facing our loss and new realities cannot freely occur when blame and “Why?” are foremost in the survivor’s mind. When we focus on “Why?” we take our minds off of what happened-we leave the reality of our loss and instead focus on the blame-that blame will inevitably give birth to anger. We will wind up angry with ourselves, angry with another person, angry at life in general, and finally, we’ll wind up feeling disillusioned with God. The typical result is that we go to church on Sunday, we know in our minds that God loves us, but we can’t feel God’s love in our hearts. We sing praise songs but our hearts no longer feel like praising. And this happens NOT because we are terribly sinful people who need to be beaten over the head with our Bibles. No, it happens, I believe, primarily because we have reached the DEAD END-that place where blame ultimately leaves us-empty, numb, sad, and confused. If something can be done, do it. Otherwise, what is done is done. There’s no point in dousing shame upon an open wound.

3) Re-examine your beliefs. If you are like most who suffer great hardship, you will at some point have serious doubts about God and His relationship to suffering. It isn’t uncommon for hurting people to view God as the allower or cause of their pain. Even when the difficulty is seen as “part of God’s plan” or “good in disguise,” feelings of sadness remain. Underneath the positive self-talk, there resides a deep anger toward God and anxiety about what the future holds. Suicidologists tell us that one of the key factors that pushes some to commit suicide is a fatalistic outlook on life–the belief that what will be will be and there isn’t much we can do about many problems. Sadly, even as a Pastor’s Wife, lay leader, and counselor, I find traces of fatalism within the Christian community. Unfortunately, a tainted view of God, will eventually lessen our ability to thrive. I recommend a thorough reading of the entire Bible, focusing on the key texts that relate to suffering; you’ll need an NASB Bible (the most literal) and/or a computer program that can translate the texts–such as BibleWorks. This is the process I went through that ultimately ended my 20 year battle with suicidal depression.

Unfortunately, we all get hurt in life. Some get whacked around a little while others get beaten down every time they stand up. The road to healing is soggy and wet. Tears bring eventual relief when coupled with a new understanding of God’s love and character.

Lastly and finally, you can make it! I have faith in you!

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Unavoidable suffering is a condition of existence, a part of the mystery that shrouds every life. It is usually the result of broken attachments to those we love or the loss of something cherished. It cannot be prevented because death and perpetual change are uncontrollable givens of living.

On the other hand, much suffering can be prevented by making wise choices. But there is so much more unavoidable suffering that we refuse to acknowledge as the expected consequence of the natural movement of life. Of course, there are many things we do to generate unnecessary suffering. Poor decisions lead to catastrophic outcomes. Neurotic guilt visits most of us, and refusing to accept the inevitable (trying to resist nature) adds significantly to the pain of life.

Here is how others have eased their suffering. These approaches can be lessons for your own confrontations with unavoidable distress.

1. Reframe your attitude. Begin by dismissing the following thought from your mind: you have not been singled out to suffer. You are not bad or have bad karma, nor have you done something wrong. No divine being, earthly force, or a run of bad luck is behind it. Legitimate suffering cycles into and out of everyone’s life. Nobody is immune from its ravages. We are brought up in a culture that teaches that no one should suffer. That in itself is a major cause of unnecessary suffering. Acceptance, as difficult as it is, is the only way through this conflict. Know what you can and cannot control.

2. Develop diversion strategies. Planned diversions are an integral part of practicing positive mental health. You cannot continuously suffer without getting sick in some way. Everyone needs ways to shift their attention away from the pain of suffering, give themselves a break from extreme distress, and focus on something meaningful. For example, think of all of the loving people in your life. Spend a few minutes exclusively on them and what they do to express their love. Study the scenarios in detail. Now consider how you feel; you are bound to feel a temporary release from your nightmare.

Use your creative ability to refocus on various activities, reclaim the great energy you dissipate on suffering, and use it in the wise exploitation of the need to replenish. There are literally hundreds of scenes, people, actions, and words that you can use as resources for shifting attention.

3. Discover what you can learn from suffering. At first glance, don’t dismiss this lesson as irrelevant; it can make a big difference in your life. Go on a search (a good diversion strategy) for those who have written about their suffering and what they have learned from the experience. Compare their findings with your own. Are their learnings applicable to your circumstances? How would they deal with what you are going through?

Discover how suffering changes you and how you can find meaning in it. Be sure to read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. Your search to learn from suffering is guaranteed to bring you wisdom.

4. Seek those who love unconditionally and respond in all you do from a place of love. Openly share your suffering with those who love without conditions; they know how important it is to be fully present to the suffering of others and your need for a trusted listener. Release the full force of your suffering on them, a little at a time. The vast importance of a loving community cannot be overstated. If you live alone, you must be proactive and reach out. Connection is crucial to healing. Make a vow to give and receive love every day (make it a major objective). Send thoughts of love to others and accept the loving aid offered to you.

5. Practice the ancient technique of relieving suffering by living to give. For centuries relieving the suffering of others was shown to relieve the suffering of the giver; it holds true and is still practiced today. In short, choosing to develop the mindset of caring for and giving to others, inevitably will lead to relieving your deep pain. Never forget the immense power of thoughts. Committing to following through on a thought pattern of giving though hurting will bring dividends beyond measure. You have a purpose and it will transform your inner life in a way nothing else can.

In summary, the three greatest forces for relieving suffering are to (1) find a way to express your deep pain, (2) be willing to help others even as you are suffering, and (3) start your ongoing project of increasing your ability to love unconditionally. The big three have a long positive history of success in dealing with suffering from every imaginable source.

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